[PRCo] Re: more alleged humor; philosophy.

[Vigrass, Bill]

I would say that is more philosophy than humor.  Good philosophy.
Bill Vigrass.

-----Original Message-----
From: John Swindler [mailto:j_swindler at hotmail.com] 
Sent: Friday, October 25, 2002 1:56 PM
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Subject: more alleged humor; philosophy.




>One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that was going 
>on inside himself. He said, "My son, it is between two wolves."
>
>"One is evil: Anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, 
>guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego..."
>
>"The other is good:  Joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, 
>benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith..."
>
>The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, 
>"Which wolf will win?"
>
>The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one I feed."
>




>HOW TO KNOW IF YOU'RE A CANADIAN
>
>You understand the phrase "Could you pass me a serviette, I just dropped my 
>poutine, on the chesterfield."
>
>You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars. You drink Pop, not Soda.
>
>You know that a Mickey and 2-4's mean, "party at the camp, eh!!!"
>
>You don't care about the fuss with Cuba. It's a cheap place to go for your 
>holidays (not vacation), with good cigars and no Americans.
>
>You know that a pike is a type of fish, not part of a highway. You drive on 
>a highway, not a freeway.
>
>You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
>
>You know that Casey and Finnegan were not part of a Celtic musical group.
>
>You get excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.
>
>You brag to Americans that: Shania Twain, Jim Carrey, Celine Dion are 
>Canadians.
>
>You know that the C.E.O. of American Airlines is a Canadian!
>
>You know what a touque is.
>
>You design your halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
>
>You know that the last letter of the English alphabet is always pronounced 
>"Zed."
>
>Your local newspaper covers the national news on 2 pages, but requires 6 
>pages for hockey.
>
>You know that the four seasons means: winter, still winter, almost winter 
>and road work.
>
>You know that when it's 25 degrees outside, it's a warm one.
>
>You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.
>
>You know how to pronounce and spell "Saskatchewan"
>
>You perk up when you hear the theme song from "Hockey Night in Canada."
>
>You are in grade 12, not the 12th grade.
>
>"Eh?" is a very important part of your vocabulary, and is more polite  
>than, "Huh?"
>





>Subject: this prayer is different... but it's good
>
>Heavenly Father, Help us remember that the jerk who cut us off in traffic 
>last night is a single mother who worked nine hours that day and was 
>rushing home to cook dinner, help with homework, do the laundry and spend a 
>few precious moments with her children.
>
>Help us to remember that the pierced, tattooed, disinterested young man who 
>can't make change correctly is a worried 19-year-old college student, 
>balancing his apprehension over final exams with his fear of not getting 
>his student loans for next semester.
>
>Remind us, Lord, that the scary looking bum, begging for money in the same 
>spot every day (who really ought to get a job!) is a slave to addictions 
>that we can only imagine in our worst nightmares.
>
>Help us to remember that the old couple walking annoyingly slow through the 
>store aisles and blocking our shopping progress are savoring this moment, 
>knowing that, based on the biopsy report she got back last week, this will 
>be the last year that they go shopping together.
>
>Heavenly Father, remind us each day that, of all the gifts you give us, the 
>greatest gift is love. It is not enough to share that love with those we 
>hold dear. Open our hearts not just to those who are close to us but to all 
>humanity. Let us be slow to judgment and quick to forgiveness; with 
>patience, empathy, and love.
>




Subject:  Are you there?

A little boy, who was very much afraid of the dark, was told by hismother to 
go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.

The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out 
there.  It's dark."

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son.  "You don't have to be afraid of 
the dark," she explained.  "Jesus is out there.  He'll look after you and 
protect you."

The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "are you sure he's 
out there?"

"Yes, I'm sure.  He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when 
you need him", she replied.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back 
door and cracked it a little.  Peering out into the darkness, he called 
"Jesus, If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"



Old Music

For all of you who are feeling a little older and missing those great old 
tunes, there is good news. Some of your old favorites have re-released their 
great hits with new lyrics to accommodate their aging audience. Some 
examples:

Herman's Hermits--"Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"

The Rolling Stones--"You Can't Always Pee When You Want"

Paul Simon--"Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"

Carly Simon--"You're So Varicose Vein"

The Bee Gees--"How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?"

Roberta Flack--"The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"

Johnny Nash--"I Can't See Clearly Now"

The Temptations--"Papa's Got a Kidney Stone"

Nancy Sinatra--"These Boots Give Me Arthritis"

ABBA--"Denture Queen"

Leo Sayer--"You Make Me Feel Like Napping"

Commodores--"Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom"

Procol Harem--"A Whiter Shade of Hair"

The Beatles--"I Get By with a Little Help >From Depends"

Credence Clearwater Revival--"Bad Prune a-Rising"

Marvin Gaye--"I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"

The Who--"Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"





>Subject: You know you're living in the 02's when:
>
>1. You have 5 passwords, but can only remember one.
>
>2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
>
>3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
>
>4. You e-mail your buddy who works at the desk next to you.
>
>5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not 
>have e-mail addresses.
>
>6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in 
>a business manner.
>
>7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "9" to 
>get an outside line.
>
>8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three 
>different companies.
>
>9. Your company's welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
>
>10. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
>
>11. You can only write on 'sticky pads'.
>
>12. Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of your 
>best jokes.
>
>13. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
>
>14. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get 
>long-service awards.
>
>15. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries 
>annual budgets combined.
>
>16. Interviewees, despite not having relevant knowledge or experience,
>terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.
>
>17. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
>
>18. Your supervisor gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the 
>latest features, while you have time to go for lunch while yours boots up.
>
>19. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.
>
>20. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your 
>department desperately needs, but they can afford four full-time management 
>consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.
>
>21. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".
>




>
>Subject: Fw: Fw: God's voice mail
>
>Most  of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of 
>our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to 
>install voice mail?  Imagine praying and hearing the  following:
>
>Thank  you for calling heaven.
>
>For  English press 1
>
>For  Spanish press 2
>
>For  all other languages, press 3
>
>Please  select one of the following  options:
>
>Press  1 for request
>
>Press  2 for thanksgiving
>
>Press  3 for complaints
>
>Press  4 for all others
>
>
>I  am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right 
>now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the 
>order it was received. Please stay on the  line.  If  you would like to 
>speak to:
>
>God,  press 1
>
>Jesus,  press 2
>
>Holy  spirit, press 3
>
>To  find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then  enter 
>his social security # followed by the pound  sign.
>
>(If  you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area  code 
>666)
>
>For  reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers, 16.
>
>For  answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other  planets, 
>please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics.
>
>Our  computers show that you have already been prayed for today,  please 
>hang up and call again tomorrow.
>
>The  office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious  holiday.  
>If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please 
>contact your local pastor.
>
>Thank  you and have a heavenly day.






>Subject: IF AIRLINES SOLD PAINT
>
>Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
>Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.
>
>Customer: Can you give me a guess?  Is there an average price?
>Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up 
>to $200 a gallon.
>
>Customer: What's the difference in the paint?
>Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.
>
>Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.
>Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?
>
>Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.
>Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.
>
>Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?
>Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks.  But 
>you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and 
>continue painting until at least Sunday.
>
>Customer: You've got to be *&%#@* kidding!
>Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.
>
>Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!
>Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available.  We sell only a 
>certain number of gallons on any given weekend, and by the way, the price 
>per gallon just went to $16.  We don't have any more $12 paint.
>
>Customer: The price went up as we were talking?
>Clerk: Yes, sir.  We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, 
>and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, 
>we just decided to change.  I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as 
>possible.  How many gallons do you want?
>
>Customer: Well, maybe five gallons.  Make that six, so I'll have enough.
>Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, 
>there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already 
>have.
>
>Customer: WHAT?
>Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and 
>north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will 
>lose your remaining gallons of paint.
>
>Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint?  I already paid 
>you for it!
>Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used; every 
>drop.  If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.
>
>Customer: This is crazy!!  I suppose something terrible happens if I don't 
>keep painting until after Saturday night!
>Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 
>paint.
>
>Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a liter" signs?
>Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint.  It only comes in half-gallons. 
>One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete 
>the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are 
>no refunds, even on the empty cans.
>
>Customer: To hell with this!   I'll buy what I need somewhere else!
>Clerk: I don't think so, sir.  You may be able to buy paint for your 
>bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, 
>but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from 
>anyone but us.  And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one 
>direction, it will be $300 a gallon.
>
>Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!
>Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you 
>started.  A hallway is different.
>
>Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one 
>direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.
>Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your 
>next gallon of paint.  But I believe you're getting it now, sir.
>
>Customer: You're insane!
>Clerk: Thanks for painting with Untied
>
>




>
>Subject: So now you know!  Beware!
>
>  Do you know how to determine if a mirror is 2-way or not? This is not to 
>scare you, but to make you aware. A policewoman who travels all over the US 
>and gives seminars and techniques for business women passed this on.
>
>When we visit toilets, bathrooms, hotel rooms, changing rooms, etc., how 
>many of you know for sure that the seemingly ordinary mirror hanging on the 
>wall is a real mirror, or actually a 2-way mirror?  (i.e., they can see 
>you, but you can't see them.)
>
>  There have been many cases of people installing 2-way mirrors in female 
>changing rooms. It is very difficult to positively identify the surface by 
>just looking at it. So, how do we determine with any amount of certainty 
>what type of mirror we are looking at?
>
>  Just conduct this simple test: Place the tip of your fingernail against 
>the reflective surface and if there is a GAP between your fingernail and 
>the  image of the nail, then it is a GENUINE mirror. However, if your 
>fingernail DIRECTLY TOUCHES the image of your nail, then BEWARE, FOR IT IS 
>a 2-WAY MIRROR!
>
>  So remember, every time you see a mirror, do the "fingernail test." It 
>doesn't cost you anything.
>
>Remember: "No Space, Leave the Place!"
>



>
>Subject: Diet Advice
>
>I've finally found a doctor who gives useful health and nutrition advice 
>that I can relate to and I thought I would share some of it with you.
>Enjoy.
>
>Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
>A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste 
>them on exercise.  Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart 
>will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life 
>of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
>
>Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
>A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and 
>corn. And what are these?  Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an 
>efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? 
>Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy 
>vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily 
>allowance of vegetable slop.
>
>Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
>A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we 
>all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: 
>animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not 
>animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only 
>leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your 
>liquid vegetables.
>
>Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
>A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to 
>one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
>
>Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise 
>program?
>A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain..., No 
>Pain.
>
>Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
>A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In 
>fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for 
>you?
>
>Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
>A: Thicker gravy.
>
>Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the 
>middle?
>A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should 
>only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
>
>Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
>A: Are you crazy? Hello... Cocoa beans... Another vegetable!!! "It's the 
>best feel good food around!"
>
>Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about 
>food and diets. Have a cookie... flour is a veggie!
>
>One more thing... "When life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila 
>and salt."




>
>Subject: Senior Moments
>
>
>A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost 
>me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art."
>
>"Really," answered the neighbor, "What kind is it?"
>
>"Twelve thirty."
>


>Morris, an 82 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a physical.  A few 
>days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous 
>young lady on his arm.  Swveral days later the doctor spoke to the man and 
>said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
>
>Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doctor: 'Get a hot mamma and be 
>cheerful.' "
>
>The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur.  Be 
>careful."


>
>As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. 
>answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just 
>heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I-70.  Please 
>be careful!"
>
>"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"
>


>An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one 
>evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to 
>his wife with endearing terms-- Honey, My Love,Darling, Sweetheart, 
>Pumpkin, etc.
>
>The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still 
>very much in love.
>
>While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his 
>host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call 
>your wife those loving pet names."
>
>The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "I 
>forgot her name about 10 years ago."
>


>AND AN EXTRA--
>
>An obviously drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and 
>orders a drink.  Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table.  
>He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest 
>looking one in the face and says, "I went by your grandma's house today and 
>I saw her in the hallway butt naked. Man, she is a fine looking woman!"
>
>The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, 
>because he is bad, and would fight at the drop of a hat.
>
>The drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your grandma 
>and she is good, the best I ever had!
>
>The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still 
>says nothing.
>
>The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you 
>something else, boy; your grandma liked it!"
>
>At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders and 
>says, "Damn it, grandpa, you're drunk....... Go home!"
>




>
>  Sure enough!
>
>  As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of 
>her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers 
>the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of 
>your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She 
jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker 
lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi 
my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, 
the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
>
>  At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, 
>the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The 
>trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you 
>are losing some of your load!"
>
>  When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next 
>light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and 
>runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he 
>says...
>
>  "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Minnesota and I'm driving the SALT 
>TRUCK!




>
>Subject: Roe vs. Wade (long list...)
>
>A blonde was sitting in class when the professor asked her if she knew what 
>the Roe vs. Wade decision was. She sat there for quite a while pondering 
>this very profound question and finally sighed and said, "I think that is 
>the decision George Washington made prior to crossing the Delaware."
>



>
>
>Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. 
>Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.  In 
>order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a 
>bull so that they can breed their own stock.
>
>  The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars 
>out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.
>
>  Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy 
>the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
>
>  The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides 
>she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no 
>less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her  sister 
>a telegram to tell her the news.
>
>  She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram 
>to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her 
>to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul 
>it home."
>
>  The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then 
>adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
>
>  Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She 
>realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
>
>  After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send 
>her the word, 'comfortable.'"
>
>  The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know 
>that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out 
>here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word,  
>'comfortable'?"
>
>  The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde."
>
>  "She'll read it very slow."
>


>
>Subject: Flash - new blonde jokes!
>
>1. Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a 
>regular one?
>    You have to hollow out the head.]
>
>2. Why won't they hire Blondes as pharmacists?
>    They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.
>
>3. Hear about the blonde who got an AM Radio?
>    It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.
>
>4. What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team?
>    They drowned in Spring Training.
>
>5. How did the blonde die drinking milk?
>    The cow stepped on her.
>
>6. How did the blonde burn her nose?
>    Bobbing for French fries.
>
>7. Why do blondes have more fun?
>    They are easier to amuse.
>
>8. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
>     Frosted flakes.
>
>9. Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
>     They keep breaking them with the hammer.
>
>10. Did you hear about the blonde that shot an arrow in the air?
>     She missed.
>
>11. What is it when a blonde blows into another blondes ear?
>     Data transfer.
>
>12. Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children?
>     Because she read that one child out of every four born was Chinese.
>
>13. Why did the blonde ask her friends to save their burned-out light 
>bulbs?
>     She needed them for the darkroom she was building.
>
>14. Why are Orientals so smart?
>     No blondes.
>
>15. What is the biggest advantage to marrying a blonde?
>     You get to park in the Handicapped Zone.
>




>
>Subject: FWD: She was Soooooooooooooooooo Blonde:
>
>...she took a ruler to bed to see how long she  slept
>  ...she sent me a fax with a stamp on  it
>  ...she thought a quarterback was a  refund
>  ...she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical  order
>  ...she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center
>
>  She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde:
>  ...she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden  tools
>  ...she thought General Motors was in the  army
>  ...She thought Meow Mix was a CD for  cats
>  ...she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish  holiday
>  ...under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics"
>
>  She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde:
>  ...she tripped over a cordless  phone
>  ...she spend 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it  said 
>"concentrate"
>  ...she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK and "DON'T RUN"
>  ...at the bottom of the application were it say "sign here," she put 
>"Sagittarius"
>   ..she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store
>
>  She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde: ...she studied for a blood test
>  ...she thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train"
>  ...she sold the car for gas money
>  ...when she missed the 44 bus, she took the  22 bus twice instead
>  ...when she went to the airport and saw a sign that  said "Airport Left" 
>she turned around and went home

>  She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde:
>  ...when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around  the home, she 
>moved
>  ...she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone  company
>  ...if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
>  ...she thought that she could not use her AM radio in  the evening
>




>
>Subject: more blond
>
>  A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that  her body 
>hurts wherever she touches it.  "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
>
>  She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She 
>pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she 
>touches makes her scream.
>
>  The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"
>
>  "No," she says, "I'm actually a blonde."
>
>  "I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."
>




>
>Subject: New Twist on an old email funny
>
>   Politics Explained
>
>    DEMOCRAT:
>
>    You have two cows.  Your neighbor has none.  You feel guilty for being 
>successful. You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, 
>forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax.  The people you 
>voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor.  
>You feel righteous.  Barbara Streisand sings for you.
>
>    REPUBLICAN:
>
>    You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?
>
>    SOCIALIST:
>
>    You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your 
>neighbor.  You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
>
>    COMMUNIST:
>
>    You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with 
>milk.  You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
>
>    CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:
>
>    You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
>
>    DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
>
>    You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to 
>sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which 
>was a gift from your government.
>
>    BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
>
>    You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one,  milks 
>the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.
>
>    AMERICAN CORPORATION:
>
>    You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an 
>IPO on the second one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of  four 
>cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead.  You spin an announcement 
>to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your 
>stock goes up.
>
>    FRENCH CORPORATION:
>
>    You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.  You 
>go to lunch. Life is good.
>
>    JAPANESE CORPORATION:
>
>    You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of 
>an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on 
>unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow 
>school.
>
>    GERMAN CORPORATION:
>
>    You have two cows. You reengineer them so they are all blond, drink 
>lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. 
>Unfortunately, they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
>
>    ITALIAN CORPORATION:
>
>    You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling 
>around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.
>
>    RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
>
>    You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you 
>have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn 
>you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop 
>counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.  The Mafia shows up and 
>takes over how ever many cows you really have.
>
>    POLISH CORPORATION:
>
>    You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed 
>attempting to milk them.
>
>    FLORIDA CORPORATION:
>
>    You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best 
>looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best vote for  the 
>black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither.  Some 
>people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from 
>out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking one.
>
>    NEW YORK CORPORATION:
>
>    You have fifteen million cows. You have to choose which one will be the 
>leader of the herd, so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas.
>




>Subject:  Andy Rooney (American Humorist)
>
>1.  Andy Rooney on Vegetarians:
>
>"Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter.'"
>
>2.  Andy Rooney On Prisoners:
>
>Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each 
>prisoner?  Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece, I'll take a few prisoners 
>into my house.  I live in Los Angeles.  I already have bars on the windows. 
>  I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals.  I think 
>they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate 
>electricity.  And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair 
>that's hooked up to the generator.
>
>3.  Andy Rooney On Fabric Softener:
>
>My wife uses fabric softener.  I never knew what that stuff was for.  Then 
>I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, 
>"Married!" and walking away.  Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their 
>territory.  We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh 
>scent out of your clothes.
>
>4.  Andy Rooney On Morning Differences :
>
>Men and women are different in the morning.  We men wake up aroused in the 
>morning.  We can't help it.  We just wake up and we want you.  And the 
>women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?'  
>It's because we can't see you.  We have no blood anywhere near our optic 
>nerve.
>
>5.  Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls:
>
>You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did 
>you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." It costs 
>90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know." Honey, I 
>feel very strongly about this.  Give me the phone. (Says into phone) "I 
>DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes you have to stand up for 
>what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone 
>sex girls for $2.95 to say, "I'm not in the mood."
>
>6.  Andy Rooney On Grandma:
>
>My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior 
>Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out 
>entering wet shawl contests.  Makes you wonder where she got that dollar 
>she gave you for your birthday.
>
>7.  Andy Rooney On Answering Machines:
>
>Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's 
>answering machine?  " Hi , it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right 
>now.  I hope you are too.  The thought for the day is: "Share the love." 
>Beep. "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being 
>positive, your test results are back.  Stop sharing the love."
>
>8.  Andy Rooney on Research:
>
>Because over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast 
>implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research, it is 
>believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large number of people 
>wandering around with huge breasts and erections...who can't remember what 
>to do with them.
>




>
>Subject: Only__In__The__U.S.A...............
>
>Lawsuits
>
>Ever since a jury ordered McDonald's to pay more than $2m damages to 
>81-year-old Stella Liebeeck after she spilt coffee and scalded herself, the 
>annual "Stella" award has been granted to the person who successfully 
>brings the most ridiculous lawsuit in the US.
>
>There are plenty to choose from for 2001.
>
>
>
>Carl Truman, of Los Angeles, won $74,000 and medical expenses from a 
>neighbor who drove his car over Truman's hand.  Truman was lying on the 
>ground, out of sight, stealing the hubcaps.
>
>
>Burglar Terrence Dickson, from Pennsylvania, lived for eight days on Pepsi 
>and dry dog biscuits after a faulty electric door trapped him in the garage 
>of the home he had just robbed. The home owner was ordered to pay $500,000 
>for Dickson's mental anguish.
>
>
>Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, was> awarded $14,500 after being 
>bitten by a beagle chained in its owner's yard.  Williams had climbed into 
>the yard and was shooting the beagle with a pellet gun.
>
>
>A Philadelphia restaurant had to pay $113,500 to Amber Carson after she 
>injured herself by slipping on a can she had thrown on the floor during an 
>argument with her boyfriend.
>
>
>Kara Walton, of Delaware, won $12,000 and dental expenses from a nightclub 
>after falling from a bathroom window. The accident happened as she was 
>trying to climb through the window to avoid paying the $3.50 entrance fee.
>
>
>     But my favorite.........
>
>Pennsylvania state Rep. Jane Baker, 56, said she will run for a second term 
>next year even though she told a jury recently that injuries from a traffic 
>accident had left her largely cognitively disabled. Baker, who lives near 
>Allentown, said she needs help with reading and understand material and 
>carrying on conversations due to head injuries and told the jury ----- that 
>in fact she is virtually unemployable except for her position in the 
>Legislature.  The jury awarded her $2.9 million in November.
>



>
>Subject: FWD: Obey Signs
>
>
>Sign in bathroom
>   TOILET OUT OF ORDER.
>    PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
>
>In a Laundromat:
>    AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:
>    PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
>
>In a London department store:
>    BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
>
>In an office:
>    WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY
>     PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
>
>In an office:
>      AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT
>      AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
>
>Outside a secondhand shop:
>     WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC.       WHY NOT 
>BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL  BARGAIN?
>
>Notice in health food shop window:
>      CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
>
>Spotted in a safari park:
>      ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
>
>Seen during a conference:
>      FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT,
>      THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR
>
>Notice in a field:
>      THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE,
>       BUT THE BULL CHARGES
>
>Message on a leaflet:
>      IF YOU CANNOT READ,
>     THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
>
>On a repair shop door:
>      WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.
>       (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)



>
>Subject: FW: Fw: Pittsburgh Steeler QUIZ
>
>   Ouch. (but it needed forwarding...)
>
>
>Q. What's the difference between the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Taliban?
>A. The Taliban has a running game.
>
>Q. What do the Pittsburgh Steelers and Billy Graham have in common?
>A. They both can make 60,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ."
>
>Q. How do you keep a Pittsburgh Steeler player out of your yard?
>A. Put up goal posts.
>
>Q. Where do you go in Pittsburgh in case of a tornado?
>A. Heinz Field - they never get a touchdown there.
>
>Q. Why doesn't Johnstown have a professional football team?
>A. Because then Pittsburgh would want one.
>
>Q. Why was Bill Cowher upset when the Steelers playbook was stolen?
>A. Because he hadn't finished coloring it.
>
>Q. What's the difference between the Pittsburgh Steelers and a dollar bill?
>A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.
>
>Q. What do you call 47 people sitting around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
>A. The Pittsburgh Steelers.
>
>Q. What do the Pittsburgh Steelers and possums have in common?
>A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road.
>
>Q. How can you tell when the Pittsburgh Steelers are going to run the 
>football?
>A. Kordell leaves the huddle with tears in his eyes.
>



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